I’ve been thinking a lot about perfection lately.
And with that, come thoughts of how I wish things were different. I wish I were younger, more energetic, slimmer and that I could still go outside and run fast like the wind, or even slow like a rolling stone. Just to run, on legs that didn’t ache. How wonderful that would be!
I suppose these are winter thoughts, they seem negative but they don’t feel negative. They feel honest. They feel like those thoughts that you keep to yourself because nobody really wants to hear them. Everyone has their own thoughts that haunt them, they don’t want to take on some else’s when they already have too many of their own.
But I think they do need to be witnessed and what better place than a blog that only three people read. (And you know who you are, obviously!)
The longing to change things that can’t be changed, the wishing for the things of youth, the sweet sorrow of looking back on life instead of always ahead – this is what needs to be embraced in our 70’s.
This is one of the (many) lessons that we face. And we mustn’t turn away from these thoughts and feelings. They are the conscious manifestation of the energy that is called ‘aging’. And they beg to be understood, loved and accepted.
Pretending we don’t feel the way we do is ridiculous and much more painful than just being real with our feelings and admitting to ourselves and others (if they ask) that getting old is something we thought would happen to others but never us, and that it is difficult on so many levels.
Possibly the hardest thing to face is the fear and it comes at us from almost every direction. Any or all of the following thoughts can show up at any given moment throughout almost any given day …
- fear of falling down and breaking a hip/knee/arm/leg, anything really.
- fear of looking like an old lady when we lean on the shopping cart, trying not to limp when our right hip gives out on us. (see: fear of falling)
- fear of financial disaster and living out of that shopping cart we are leaning on.
- fear of loosing our eyesight/hearing/teeth/purse/keys/car (insert almost anything).
- fear of loosing our drivers license. (see: independence)
- fear of becoming diminished in every way we can think of.
- fear of becoming dependent and unable to change the lightbulb in the hall (see: fear of darkness)
- fear of what’s in our heads and the way it doesn’t feel like our own mind anymore – different, but we are not sure exactly how.
- fear of being a burden to our children
- fear of the dreaded Personal Care Home and the need to check in, possibly soon
- fear of the unknown and fear of death, which seems to be much closer now than ever before. And of course, it is.
And then there is the overwhelming feeling that this whole thing (our life) has been very, very short. We’ve only just begun to realize that we actually are capable of navigating life’s ups and downs with confidence. And now, surprisingly – here comes the end! And the finish line is not just ‘over the horizon’ but right here, smacking us in the face.
I can’t really remember what I started off saying, or exactly where I was going with this …. but then I’m old. I don’t need to pretend that my thoughts are coherent and linear. I can write the way I think, little snippets here and there, with the whole thing all over the place, with thoughts and ideas getting easily misplaced.
See? There’s lots of good stuff about it too.
Next time I’ll write about that. I promise.
If I can remember….
‘Til next time, and who knows when that might be? xo Janet